I want to train jiu-jitsu with my son.

I want to watch movies with him, and talk about them afterwards.

What did he like? What did he think of this topic?

I want to go on drives with him and see different places. Sit in cafes and parks and talk politics, technology and people.

I want to sing songs with him, and maybe duet on musical instruments.

I want to hang around the house on Sundays reading with him, listening to him tell me about his favourite book.

I want to sit at the table, with my wife, his mother and catch up on his day, how his friends are doing, what he enjoyed about his day.

These are all the things I do, the things I like to do- he doesn't have to do any of them (well, maybe bjj) if he doesn't want to.

I would hope he wants to do these things with me, but more importantly, I want him to do the things he likes doing, and maybe share them with me and his mother.

He turned 6 months a few days ago, so these things are some time away- but one thing we know about time, is that it goes as slow as the fastest day.

I never knew a love like this before.

And I probably never will again.

Change is slow.

Change is painful (not necessarily physically).

Change is the only constant. Cliche. Apt.

I re-enabled social media blocking extensions in my browers.

My mind races less. Not a lot less, but less cos I can't access that dopamine hit relief I'm looking for when coming up with words to my writing gets... uncomfortable.

That was a good change. Painful. But good.

Change has to happen and something needs to Change.

Change is an Action. Not a feeling. Not a word.

It's a doing.

It's never done.

It's the transition period between before and after, and is never "still".

When it's no longer happening, it's nothing. It doesn't exist.

As long as we're alive, we're changing ever second. We're wearing out. Deprecating.

When we physically stop changing, we no longer exist.

But we can be non existent long before we're dead.

What's my "why?" is what I was thinking when I wrote the title and promptly forgot to come back and finish this thought.

I force myself to write a "Daily Thought" which is rarely daily, and often times barely passes as any real thought when writing things out.

Why?

Time. Focus. Priorities. All the excuses.

Forever thinking of another way to get to the same goal, without even finish seeing through the last 3-4 ideas to some level of feedback or experience.

Why?

It's almost 11pm on a Friday night, on the 1st even though this will be dated the 30th, and I need to cut it off here and go do another thing I've told myself is the "priority" now.

Why? I don't know. Well I do, but I'm out of time.

I loathe the "expert" who is there to direct the attention to themselves and away from the solution.

If a question is asked, an answer, that solves the problem is sought- not a display of your closest thoughts to the topic because you don't know the answer and have nothing more to offer.

So you fill in the space, which might as well be a placeholder for your profile picture, because the value of your answer is as good as looking at your face.

We can say, "cool, that was you that said those words- that didn't help anyone. Thank you for letting us know you exist".

Don't be this "expert".

The worst part about it, was he sort of made my point about Pasifika Tech Leaders being technical, because this person is Pasifika- and brands himself as a tech leader... and then he does this sort of thing.

What's worse than a non-technical Pasifika tech leader? A technically rubbish Pasifika "tech leader".

Great, got that off my chest.

I started a live stream show with fellow Pasifika Engineer, GT.

It's called "The TechNesian Live Stream".

Tech = Technology Nesian = Poly/Micro/Melanesian.

Every fortnight, tech news, demo and discussion.

I've been doing this thing a little while now, and maybe it's my own personal expectations.

My voice is still echoing in here.

In these rooms I'm building, and these spaces I'm creating, my voice still echoes.

I'm a big believer in "the game", if things aren't working, figure it out, ask questions, take a step back etc.

At some point the question must be asked, "am I doing the wrong thing? is this not the path for me?".

Checking myself, am I looking for gratitude? acknowledgement? acceptance?

I'm human, so these would be nice, but really checking within- the only thing that makes any effort worthwhile....

is impact.

Otherwise, this is just recreation, and I have better things to do for recreation than this.

The echo is my voice, my effort, my offering, coming back to me, unused, unfulfilled.

Back to building from first principles.

I know once I stop reading the feeds I've curated, or newsletters I signed up to, that I'm hooked back into the social media short-term dopamine hit machine, which I'm coining the term "dopamedia" for the social media of dopamine hits.

It's instagrams discover screen. It's twitter. It's bluesky.

It's all the things that are bite sized hits, but not all of them hit the same, so you're constantly scavenging (i.e. scrolling) to find that next one that hits, and then the next one, and so forth.

First principles, for me, is long-form written pieces that I read through, stop and think regularly and this gets my mind thinking its thoughts, ideas and questions formulate and I feel like writing.

Writing is another first principle for me, sit down and write out your thoughts, questions, then go looking for answers to those questions anf write down your discoveries and learnings.

It's also listening to 3 hour long podcasts and going on the journey of not understanding, thinking you understand and get triggered, now you hate the guest, realise you don't know what you're talking about and hear something that disproves your assumptions and now the guest is a genius, the whole while you are learning, and probably more about yourself relative to the material, as much as learning about the guest and their knowledge.

That's todays thought- decrease dopamedia, increase long-form media.

Back to first principles.

Living the life you want requires you first (hopefully) know yourself well enough to start with real inputs- not trauma, and, or an unexamined and uncritical, misunderstanding of who you think you are.

You know who you are- right at this moment anyway.

If you could determine what it is you want to do with your life, now, and then pursue that fearlessly, that is the ideal.

What is there to be afraid of? What is the risk of not doing this?

So yeah, find your "why" (cliche for reasons), then pursue- get after it.

See you on the other side.

10am. August 26th.

I think "Memento mori" puts everything into perspective.

We compare so much of ourselves and what we have, or haven't got, with others, with our past, with others past.

It's never an apples to apples comparison, and yet we agonise over whether we should do a thing or not, based on - again - other people.

And that perspective can change depending on your daily brain chemistry, you may be up one day and it's a great idea go ahead, and then down the next, and it's a waste of time, futile effort.

But one thing remains the same, we only have this life - the one that's in your hands - and this time today, to do what we will with it, because tomorrow is never promised, what do you have to lose but what you have in front of you - the now.

"Remember that you die"